Bush Nominates Mike Nifong to Replace Gonzalez

President Bush surprised supporters and critics alike today by nominating disgraced district attorney Mike Nifong to be the next Attorney General of the United States. "I know I'm gonna get some heat for this, but I think he's learned a lot from his mistakes," said Bush. "He's done a lot of soul-searching over the last few months, and he's also grown a goatee. We've been looking for someone with a goatee in this administration." In response to questions, Bush said that Nifong had qualities that he prized. "Mike's the kind of guy who can stick with a plan with determination, irregardless of criticism from the press and what some might call negative information. Alberto could do that, and Mike Nifong has demonstrated his ability to do that as well. He gets an idea and just sticks with it," said Bush, admiringly.

Reached at his home in Durham, North Carolina, Nifong said he was delighted at the prospect of returning to work. "I enjoy supervising lawyers," said Nifong, "and am glad to be considered for a job that might allow me to engage in retaliatory prosecutions of the members of the North Carolina State Bar Ethics Commission." Asked if he thought that the fact that he had been disbarred would be a hindrance in his new job, Nifong said not: "Was Bobby Kennedy admitted to practice? Ed Meece?" Informed that Kennedy had been a member of the Massachusetts bar and Meece of the California Bar, Nifong showed the stubbornness that made him famous: "Kennedy and Meece were both disbarred. That's my story and I'm sticking to it," said Nifong.

Asked for comment, Sen. Joe Biden, Judiciary Committee member and presidential candidate, threw his hands in the air and shook his head with mouth agape, struck mute for the first time since birth.