Bush Nominates Mike Nifong to Replace Gonzalez

President Bush surprised supporters and critics alike today by nominating disgraced district attorney Mike Nifong to be the next Attorney General of the United States. "I know I'm gonna get some heat for this, but I think he's learned a lot from his mistakes," said Bush. "He's done a lot of soul-searching over the last few months, and he's also grown a goatee. We've been looking for someone with a goatee in this administration." In response to questions, Bush said that Nifong had qualities that he prized. "Mike's the kind of guy who can stick with a plan with determination, irregardless of criticism from the press and what some might call negative information. Alberto could do that, and Mike Nifong has demonstrated his ability to do that as well. He gets an idea and just sticks with it," said Bush, admiringly.

Reached at his home in Durham, North Carolina, Nifong said he was delighted at the prospect of returning to work. "I enjoy supervising lawyers," said Nifong, "and am glad to be considered for a job that might allow me to engage in retaliatory prosecutions of the members of the North Carolina State Bar Ethics Commission." Asked if he thought that the fact that he had been disbarred would be a hindrance in his new job, Nifong said not: "Was Bobby Kennedy admitted to practice? Ed Meece?" Informed that Kennedy had been a member of the Massachusetts bar and Meece of the California Bar, Nifong showed the stubbornness that made him famous: "Kennedy and Meece were both disbarred. That's my story and I'm sticking to it," said Nifong.

Asked for comment, Sen. Joe Biden, Judiciary Committee member and presidential candidate, threw his hands in the air and shook his head with mouth agape, struck mute for the first time since birth.

Parade's Lead Time

I have been trying for years to figure out exactly how much lead time Parade magazine needs for an event to be reflected in its content. They seem to prepare it about about a week before it's actually published. This leads to the occasional gaffe, such as when they reported that Derby-winner Barbero was alive and well in a pasture in Kentucky when in fact his death had been the biggest news story of the preceding week.

Yesterday's Parade had the following:

"Q In June, Lindsay Lohan signed on for extended care at Promises, a luxury rehab center in Malibu. Isn't that really just an extended vacation?

A No. Lohan, 21--who abused alcohol, pills and cocaine--seems committed to finally getting clean. ..."

A mug shot taken at Ms. Lohan's July 24 arrest is attached, so we can deduce that Parade's lead time is at least five days.

The day after they published the story about the decedent Barbero being alive Parade ran an apology on their website, but they haven't done so about this. Perhaps they didn't get around to reading the paper yesterday. I know I didn't.

Polycarp's Increasingly Sporadic Horoscope

Polycarp has spent the last month working on another project and regrets his absence. As always, click on the highlighted words to uncover veiled clues, or you could just Google the phrase "melt-down." If you'd like Polycarp's free-range, fair market staff to send you a note whenever there's a new post, drop him a note at Polycarpblog@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): This has been a touchy, difficult period for Aquarians, especially if they're mayors of very large cities. On the other hand, at least one seems to have hit on a way to ensure he gets good press. And unlike the previous six or seven times when Mrs. Aquarius has thrown him out of the house for having affairs, this time she means it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Pisces, Polycarp recommends that you spend the next few weeks thinking about pederasty and money, and how indulging one leads to loss of the other. Because of an odd tangle of circumstances--mainly his indolent church-going habits--Polycarp may still be a member of a parish in your Archdiocese, and therefore you may be in a position to excommunicate him directly, Cardinal Pisces. Please don't--he swears he's going to go to church again some day soon. But. Ahem. Your eminence, isn't $660 million a lot to pay to avoid testifying? Polycarp gave you some of that money, and so did a lot of other good people with less to give. We hate to suggest it, but it's almost as though you're ... hiding something. Polycarp says papal aspirations are no longer in the stars. What else are you hiding? It won't be worse than this, but Polycarp is curious.

Aries (March 21-April 19): It's been a bad week for North Carolina Arieses, I'm afraid. It was sad that the judge rejected your suggestion that your punishment be limited to opening an eye care clinic for the poor, and instead sentenced you to five years and three months. It didn't help when your friend the president of the Christian Action League got busted for soliciting sex from a scary-looking prostitute. Polycarp predicts that the next 63 months will provide ample time to reflect on the path your life has taken over. And by the way, the poor called. They don't want you looking at their eyes, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It occasionally happens that the stars dish out to us what we have previously dished out on others, Taurus. So, for example, if you happened to be a Republican congressman elected on a Christian values platform and raised your visibility by jumping on the "impeach Bill" bandwagon, harping salaciously on the impropriety of illicit oral sex with cooperative young interns, ten years later you may find yourself publicly humiliated by revelations that you frequent brothels and call madams to hire call girls from the Senate floor. Entertaining as this is, for your sake we hope your wife has softened in her approach to this kind of marital problem.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Geminis are twins of course, and the stars say they're often two different things intertwined together. Competence and incompetence, for example, as in your case. Who does your hiring, Gemini? Somebody you lured away from FEMA? Your Southern Regional Campaign Manager just got outed in a sex scandal, and your South Carolina Chairman is now in rehab and will soon be in jail after getting busted for cocaine trafficking. Don't you do background checks up in New York?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Polycarp suggests that all Cancers go immediately to a dictionary and look up the word "progress," so that next week if the phrase "progress in Iraq" is used in a press conference, it might bear some relationship to reality. The other big news last week-end was that you had a colonoscopy and Dick Cheney was back in charge while you were out, just like he was the whole first term. Polycarp just wishes he'd fired a certain Leo Attorney General before you woke up.

Leo (July 23-August 22): As you're out and about, Leo, listening to the birds sing and breathing the air of the free, looking at your pretty wife and not practicing law because you've been convicted of a felony involving moral turpitude, just thank your lucky stars for the loyalty of your friends. Of course, first they used you as a fall guy and threw you to the curb like yesterday's garbage, but it could have been worse. As Polycarp's friend Mark the opera critic said, "Who would have thought that Paris Hilton would do more jail time than Scooter Libby?"

Virgo (August 23-September 22): This last month has been a time of falling fortunes and depleted bank accounts for you, Virgo. You've performed the most dazzling front-runner collapse since Ed Muskie in 1972. Who's your campaign manager, Lindsay Lohan? You were a Naval aviator, for God's sake. Stop complaining about your sweaters in a whiny homophobic way and take command. Oh--and saying "Jeez, I really screwed up on this Iraq deal, didn't I?" might help.

Libra (September 23-October 22): This has been a week--no, a month--no a year--in which well-meaning Libra candidates have once again faded into the wallpaper. We're glad you're still out there, Libra, being honest, acting like a pre-Bush Democrat, running for president (yet again) and espousing tolerance and environmentalism. You're a good man and an honest public servant, so of course you have no chance at all of getting niminated. You're what Ralph Nader could have been, and you don't cause as much collateral damage. Keep it up, Libra. Polycarp is sure you're influencing the race somehow.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Scorpio, the stars say you are going through a phase of childish bickering and pointless sniping with a junior Leo from Illinois, and that you should both knock it off immediately. It is way too soon for the front runners to start tearing into each other like Voldemort and Harry Potter Nevertheless, Polycarp predicts that you two idiots will keep up this stupidity until neither one of you is a front runner, and then you'll go on bickering about whose fault that is. This won't be the worst thing in the world for the Democratic Party, of course, because once you've shredded each other it's possible that somebody with a chance to win the general election would then become the front-runner. A well-meaning Gemini, for example.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Another drug-addled, limitedly talented young celebrity recently broke your record for shortest time between release from rehab to complete collapse into insane, slobbering drunkenness, Sagittarius, so it's time for you to step up to the plate and arrange a complete liquefaction of all sensibility and dignity in front of photographers and reporters, preferably involving expensive clothing that does not belong to you and a small, annoying dog.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): So now your story is that not only did she kill herself with your gun minutes after she walked into your house, but that you were nowhere near her and the blood leapt across the room to spatter on your clothes? This is lunacy, but you always were a bullying loon, so this fits, in a homophonic way. Polycarp thinks a more subdued look may be in order for your next residence, where the walls are not of sound.

Happy Father's Day

It's Father's Day, and I'm a father, so I've been thinking about what makes a good one. I think I've figured it out and it's very simple: the secret to being a father is having great kids. My children are the two most accomplished, intelligent, perceptive, beautiful, engaging and talented young women in the world, and I think the credit for that is theirs, not mine. It's theirs individually, because they are bright and interesting and talented individuals, but also as a pair, because I think they raised each other as much as their mother and I raised them. Despite all of my mistakes, all of the things I forgot, all of the times I got mad when I shouldn't have, all of the things I didn't do that I should have, all of the times I was strict when I should have been lenient or slack when I should have been alert, there they are: the best pair of sisters in the world. So, like I said, the key to being a good father appears to me to be to arrange for your wife to have great children.

After that, all have to do is love them.

I do have some advice for young parents, but honestly I don't have any idea whether it matters a whit. I think mine might have done just fine no matter what I did. But here's the successful part of what I did.

The first thing is to start teaching manners early. As son as they can comprehend, teach them good table manners, not to interrupt, not to use the telephone late at night, to be nice to others, don't cut in line, do unto others, etc. If you're the father of girls, treat them the way you think young women should be treated from an early age, especially in public. If you're the father of boys, insist that they treat their mother and any other women and girls in their lives respectfully.

The second thing is to encourage them to have healthy interests. Don't try to select their interests for them, because it won't work. But for me, I would leave work early to get kids to soccer practice or play rehearsal or choir. It was a little harder if they wanted a ride to go hang out at the mall. This pays off in a lot of ways, by the way. When they get to be good at something it gives them a pride you can't teach, and the time spent doing healthy things won't be spent at the piercing parlor.

The next thing is to be honest. Pretty much always. You don't always have to be direct, though. There's a series of questions beginning with Santa Claus and ending with premarital sex that require honest, but not always direct, answers. But don't lie to them.

The fourth thing is to teach them what you know. You'll be surprised how far it goes--how it resonates as they grow. My dad taught me about machinery and how to use tools--he's an engineer and he knows this kind of thing in a very deep way. He showed me how things worked and then let me take them apart, and if I ran into trouble, he'd show me how it all fit back together. He was very patient and was never cross wit me for taking things apart or borrowing his tools. To this day, machinery--from clocks to diesel engines--makes sense to me. Broken things don't scare me.

In my family we've also always really liked food, for generations in all directions. So when my kids came along and expressed an interest we all started cooking together from a very early age. It wasn't just helpful, although it was--as a single dad the extra hands (when they didn't need to be studying) were a huge help, but kitchen and food form a family bond between my children and me that stretches back through my mother to my father's mother and to stories I've heard of her parents and siblings i never knew. Simple as it is, food and the kitchen root my daughters and me to a big family and a lot of tradition. All because they wanted to learn to cook. Plus, they're now both really good cooks.

Don't let your squabbles with your wife or ex wife spill over onto your kids. Ever. Under any circumstance. At any point in their lives. If you're divorced, work out your problems with the ex out of their hearing. If you're married, don't get mad at each other in front of the kids. If you hate your ex, don't ever, ever, under any circumstances complain about her or criticize her to her kids. No matter what she did to you, even if she ran off with your brother and left you with the mortgage, kids need to think well of their mom.

I also didn't hit my kids. I slapped my oldest on the wrist one time when she was doing something that might have hurt her sister, but I wish I hadn't done it. That was the only time I administered any corporal punishment at any point in my life. I think it's a bad idea. It causes pain you can't imagine, that will last a long time, and makes it hard for them to trust you. You really don't want your children to be afraid of you all the time.

Help them study, and give them a curfew, and all that, too.

But really, the main thing is to have good kids.

Happy Father's Day, and thanks to my wonderful daughters, visiting together in Pasadena.

Legal System Relieved to Return to Normalcy

If you'd like to receive notice when Polycarp puts up a new post, drop him a line at Polycarpblog.gmail.com

The American legal system breathed a sigh of relief as word was released that things can now return to normal. "This has been a big few weeks for us," the legal system said. "Dismissing chargges against the Duke boys showed that we police rogue prosecuters. Hell, [Duke lacrosse prosecutor Mike] Nifong is on trial right now to save his law license. That was a nice touch, if I do say so myself." The legal system went on to explain that the recent sentencing of Lewis "Scooter" Libby to thirty months, as well as a Los Angeles Superior Court judge's insistence that Paris Hilton return to jail to complete her sentence "proved that the rich and powerful aren't exempt from the rules. This wipes that O.J and Robert Blake taste right out of people's mouths," said the legal system. "Judges are tough, and everybody can see that now." The judicial system complimented Justice Anton Scalia for coming up with the idea.

Public confidence having been restored, the judicial system said that things could now return to normal. "We don't really have the budget to keep this kind of thing up for long," said the legal system. "We arranged these results by adopting special emergency guidelines for the administration of superior and district courts. We've diverted a lor of resources from other places, and we just can't do that long term." Expected consequences of returning to normal legal procedures include a resumption of unfair privileges for the rich, disproportionate prosecution of the poor, judges falling asleep during trials, and excessive verdicts in civil cases. "But hey--you can't say we didn't make our point," said the legal system.

William Jefferson could not be reached for comment.

MLB Owners Agree to Shoot Barry Bonds

Bowing to increasing pressure, the Major League Baseball owners Executive Committee voted unanamously today to shoot Barry Bonds. "After lengthy debate and much soul searching, we have decided that Barry Bonds will be suspended for the rest of his career," announced Commissioner Allan H. "Bud" Selig, "and that to ensure his compliance, the Owners have arranged for his demise." Asked for his reasons, Selig answered that the steroid-like drugs Bonds had used for years are still untraceable and that Bonds may well still be using them. "The FBI shut off the tap from Balco, but that stuff is still untraceable. No lab can find it in blood or urine even today. We figure he's buying it from Mexico and he's still juiced. Plus, he's an asshole."

San Francisco Giants owner Pete Magowen and Bonds' seven fans protested immediately. "I built that park just for Bonds," said Magowan. "The fences are short where he's short and long where he can really jack it out," he said, pointing to center left. "Principle and tradition are all fine and good, but this is money we're talking about." Asked if he planned to take legal action to prevent the owners from shooting Bonds, Magowan said he doubted he would. "I don't want to get carried away here," he said.

Asked for comment, Giants coach Bruce Bouchy shrugged and said "Well, you know." Asked if he was sorry he would not get to see Bonds break Hank Aaron's home run record, Bouchy answered "Well, not so much. I, um, knew Hank, you know? And I know Barry, you know?"

Barry Bonds' wife declined comment through a spokeswoman. "Liz is just trying to get on with her life and has nothing to say at present," said K.C. Pittman of the Marin County Women's Shelter, which refused to release Mrs. Bonds' current address.

If you'd like for us to let you know when there's a new post at Polycarp, drop a note to Polycarpblog@gmail.com, and we'll be glad to add you to the list.

Allberto Gonzalez Fails Driver's License Test

Alberto Gonzalez, who has come under fire over the last few months for his increasingly difficult to believe lapses in memory and astonishing lapses of judgment, failed his driver’s license exam for the third time last Thursday, the White House announced today. Revealing for the first time that the Attorney General has taken the District of Columbia Driver’s Examination at least three times, although administration officials admitted they’re not sure how many times he has taken it overall, or when he first attempted it. Gonzalez himself says he cannot remember, and calendar references that might clear the matter up were inadvertently deleted, according to the Department of Justice. The White House obviously viewed this as a vindication of their explanation for the recent scandals at Gonzalez' department. “When we told you he forgot who gave him instructions on the U.S Attorney firing list, you said he couldn’t be that stupid,” said deputy White House spokesman Dana Perino. “When he put that woman from Oral Roberts’ law school in charge of hiring all the career prosecutors and let her take everybody who voted for Kerry off the list, you said ‘nobody could be that big of an idiot.' Well, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, I think you all owe us an apology.”

D. Kyle Sampson, one of the Deputy Attorneys General to have lost his job over the ongoing scandals, said that he had briefed Gonzalez extensively in the days leading up to at least one of the driver’s license exams, to no avail. “I prepared lots of position papers for him on how close you can park to a fireplug and the speed limit in unposted areas of the District—the whole gamut of topical traffic issues—but it just didn’t seem to gel for him,” said Sampson, adding that on at least two occasions he had been required to clear the Attorney General’s schedule to spend a day doing practice exams with top advisers. “He’s a busy man,” said one top aide, requesting anonymity when discussing Gonzalez’ imbecility. “But I think the real problem is that he is genuinely, honestly convinced, in his heart of hearts, that with Bush and God on his side, the law just doesn’t matter very much, so he has a hard time taking this seriously.”

A few people have asked if they can subscribe to this blog, and I really appreciate the interest. Unfortunately, the only solution I've found thus far involves installing software on your computer that allows you to get a feed from the blogs you're interested in, and I don't want to recommend anything like that until I can test it. If you're interested in hearing from us, though, drop me a line at Polycarpblog@gmail.com, and I'll be more than happy to send you a note with a link each time there's a new post.

Monica Goodling Confesses to Shakur Murder

Monica Goodling, former White House liaison for Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, shocked the House Judiciary Committee with a tearful confession that she had been the mystery woman who shot and killed famed rapper Tupak Shakur in 1996. Goodling, who had been granted immunity in exchange for her agreement to waive her fifth amendment privilege and testify about the U.S. Attorney firings, was not previously known to be involved with the shadowy world of hip hop music. In testimony broken frequently by tears, Goodling testified that Shakur had only himself to blame for the Las Vegas shooting: "It was just wrong of Tupac to record those cuts for Death Row. Puffy had bankrolled him and turned him from nothing to a megastar, and then Suge Knight gives him a couple of grand for legal fees, and it's like us back on the east coast just don't matter no more," she said, sobbing loudly. "Something had to be done."

Ms. Goodling's testimony was another chapter in the bitter feud between east coast and west coast rappers, a feud that has led to several other murders, including Biggie Smalls in 1997. Law enforcement had long considered the Smalls and Shakur murders to be related, a charge Ms. Goodling denied. "Oh, that's just silly," she said, in response to a question from Rep. Adam Schiff (D. Cal.), the Judiciary Committee's most knowledgable member regarding west coast rap. "We hit Tupac for being a traitor, and Death Row knew it. He was our guy, so Suge was pissed, but knew he couldn't do nothin'. Biggie was Suge all the way--just cleaning house for too much dissing and too much debt."

Because of the immunity deal, Ms. Goodling cannot be charged with any crimes to which she testifies in these hearings.

Asked for comment, D. Kyle Sampson, who resigned as a result of the U.S. Attorney firings, said "Now that you mention it, she did always seem a little dangerous, kind of street, if you know what I mean. Like, she was the only Deputy AG who came to work every day in a Knicks jersey. You don't get that much from Oral Roberts U grads."

Goodling returns tomorrow to continue her testimony regarding the U.S. Attorney firings, when she is expected to testify that Karl Rove personally hand-picked all of the U.S Attorneys who were to be fired. "He called them all and told them they needed to ease up on republicans and start prosecuting democrats for voter fraud, during election cycles, if possible," Ms. Goodling said. "Anyone who squawked was outta there." Mr. Rove could not be reached for comment.

Jerry Falwell Smitten By Wrathful God

A wrathful God has smitten Jerry Falwell in response to remarks Falwell made six years ago about gays and feminists, God announced yesterday. "We tried to give him some signs," God said, "and the Choir [of Angels] even tried to coach him with some heart disease, but in the end, managing this issue was just taking up too much of our time, and we had no choice but to outsource his immortal soul."

In response to questions from reporters, the Amighty said that He had brought down His wrathful judgment on Falwell for a variety of reassons, including remarks Falwell made on Pat Robertson's "700 Club" show on September 13, 2001, two days after the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. "For us to take this kind of robust action, of course there had to be a heavenly host of reasons, but I think prominent in everyone's thinking was the 700 Club issue," said the Lord, referring to a wide-ranging and inane conversation between Falwell and Robertson in which Falwell blamed the September 11 attacks on gays, lesbians, feminists, abortionists, and the ACLU. "That's just so stupid," God commented. "I just can't seem to get the concept of universal love across to some people."

When asked to explain the long delay between Falwell's remarks and the imposition of God's wrathful judgment, God remarked "Look. I'm a busy guy, and this isn't just about Me and My judgment, despite what people think. We're required to follow the manual on a thing like this. There's a lot of paperwork, a lot of procedures, and it has to go through several different committees before it even gets to Me. Besides, you've all heard about the mills of God grinding slowly, and that a thousand years is but as a day unto Me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well that's all true. This hath been really fast work for us, and I'm proud of the entire team, especially the Choir of Angels Management Committee."

When asked about future plans, the Holy Ghost refused to comment, although Choir members, speaking anonymously when discussing official angelic matters, said that several subcommittees had been recently appointed to develop appropriate proactive paradigms for Eric Rudolph and Paul Wolfowitz. "We don't yet have a target date for those, but Rudolph obviously presents an opportunity to refocus on wrathful judgment, and with Wolfowitz we're looking at a scalable and strategic series of result-driven plagues, but there are a lot of players in that kind of plan, and we want to make sure we have buy-in from all the stakeholders," said one saint, off the record.

Polycarp's Resumed Horoscope

The unifying theme of the last two weeks seems to be “incompetence on parade.” Some people can’t remember what they said or where they were just a few months ago. Some people (a lot of people, actually) can’t interpret raw intelligence. Some people just can’t handle firearms. As always, click on the highlighted words to get clues and hints.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Well, Aquarius, Capricorn is out telling anyone who will listen, especially if he or she is willing to pay thirty bucks, that the Iraq war is your fault, because you and Scooter’s professor had convinced Mr. Cancer to invade regardless of what the intelligence said, so that all along you were looking for an excuse, not a compelling reason to invade an non-belligerant that was doing us no harm and wasn’t dangerous in the least to anyone except its own citizens. “Scooter and Wolfie made me do it” i s really lame, of course, but Polycarp is still curious. Why were you guys so keen to invade? It still doesn't make sense.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): According to the Rasmussen Report, 43% of Americans say they would never vote for a Mormon under any circumstances, which is weird, Pisces. Polycarp finds this attitude appalling and unreasonable for both moral and personal reasons. He doesn’t think anyone should be discriminated against on the basis of his or her religion, and besides, all the Mormons Polycarp knows are smart, decent, and fun. On the other hand, by Polycarp’s math, you’ll need to get 80% of the remainder to get elected. Can you do that?

Aries (March 21-April 19): Abortion is a tough topic, and the “partial birth” procedure is pretty grim, but the case provided a lesson in the effect a single judge can have, Aries. Had O’Connor still been on the bench, Polycarp says she would have voted the other way, and it was a 5-4 decision.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Polycarp knows you’re not really a Taurus, but as jury selection resumes in your murder case, he’s put you here because your story of how you came to shoot that poor woman reminds him very much of a product he associates with the west end of an eastbound Taurus. You’ve always been a self-centered loon, of course, and there are lots of those at your next address, so maybe you’ll fit right in.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Good to have you back on the job, Gemini. You’re one of several stories in the news the last month or so in which public figures are meeting difficult illness with courage and class. Polycarp has rarely agreed with you, but he certainly admires you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancer, last week you said, with a straight face, that you thought Leo did a good job in front of congress, despite the fact that he couldn’t remember most of his own name. Polycarp can’t always tell the difference between a good liar and a lawyer with Alzheimer’s, but he doesn’t hire either one. Then you said that a Capricorn banker had your full support, right after he was caught feathering his girlfriend’s nest at World Bank expense. Polycarp can see why you want to keep him on the payroll, though. As soon as he goes, he’s going to write a book just like Capricorn.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your hearing before congress may have been the highest comedy of the last several weeks, Leo. How in the world you ever passed the Texas bar exam is beyond Polycarp. You couldn’t remember whether you attended meetings from three months ago in which you did most of the talking, so how did you ever remember the rule against perpetuities?

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Wordplay involving Beach Boys songs and bombing middle east countries doesn't have the panache it once did, does it, Virgo? You're right, too much was made of your comments, but you've been in the national eye for a long time now and should know the rules. You're not Reagan, but then, Polycarp thinks that's a good thing.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Libra, Polycarp has just realized that you and all the other African-American preachers who were also snowball’s chance in hell presidential candidates with huge penchants for the camera are all Libras. This kind of astrological profiling must stop! Polycarp plans to complain to the NCGR immediately.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You looked pretty smooth on the debate, Scorpio, although there was a lot of tap-dancing in your discussions of health care reform and your position on Iraq. Sagittarius’ people used to refer to this kind of dance routine as “nuance” and it sells about as well as bread mold, but it’s not going to matter because while you can win the nomination you just can’t win in November.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Polycarp hears you’ve been hinting about another presidential bid, Sagittarius. What’s it like when the five or six of you who are senators bump into each other in the Senate cloakroom? Is it awkward? Do you pass on money-raising tips, or talk about the best bars in Iowa? The field’s already crowded and the money’s all been soaked up, bud. You started thinking about this too late.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Polycarp heard part of your comedy routine this week, Capricorn, and thinks it’s really going to sell on your book tour. Saying history will judge you kindly was just a riot. Maybe if your agency had foiled, or predicted, or even not been terribly surprised by, or even had been able to figure out in retrospect, the Cole bombing, the bombings of the East African embassies, or even maybe the 9/11 atacks, then you might not have been judged too harshly. Oh, wait, you were also involved in arming the Taliban and failing to secure the Afghan countryside. And you let bin Laden slip away. “Kindly” may be a reach, Capricorn. The book isn’t going to help much, since all it says is “Scooter and Cheney made me do it.” We knew that. You were supposed to be the one that spoke up with something like “yellowcake uranium? You know, my guys over at Langley tell me those documents were forged by some Italians,” etc. Instead, tough guy, you got pushed around by a guy named Scooter.

No Horoscope This Week

Making fun of the news this week wouldn't be right.

Polycarp’s Special 1040 Edition Weekly Horoscope

Click on the highlighted words for hints and subtle clues as to the the stars' true meaning

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Talk about taxing! These westerners with their silly deadlines! After all, it’s just a power plant, right, Aquarius? Besides, you has a big birthday bash for your dead dad to attend. Polycarp’s astrological prediction for you, Aquarius, is that those silly Americans will insist they’ve already released your money from a now-defunct state-owned bank in Shanghai and set yet another deadline, at which you will also thumb your nose. Polycarp’s advice: throw in a demand for a few boatloads of food. After all, you care so much for your starving millions, right?

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Leo was waaaay out of line, Pisces, no doubt about it, but an interesting fact is that he was quoting you. Were you out of line? No? Really? I know. It’s a Pisces thing. I wouldn’t understand.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Putting conditions on the spending bill seemed a bit of an overreach at the time it passed, Aries, but Cancer’s public petulance seemed to mute charges of micromanaging, and the non-McCain Repubs are so afraid to say anything about the war that you seem to have the field to yourself. Good politics. Good policy? Not so sure.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Happy birthday, your holiness! Releasing a book about spirituality only in German cements your status as the world’s spiritual leader, Taurus, because everybody knows how spiritual Germans are. Polycarp suggests doing Sunday headcounts in your churches. Note that in many places the counts can be completed using only fingers, no toes needed. Look again in twelve months and note that fewer fingers are needed. Then imagine how those numbers might look if your flock could go to church without being scolded by nasty old celibate (well, mostly) men for living normal lives.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You’re Polycarp’s favorite Republican, Gemini. But then, Polycarp’s a Democrat, so he’s not sure that's good news for you. Not only are your ideas less dictated by a rigid agenda dictated by preachers in Kansas and Virginia, but you haven’t lurched to the right in search of all the Baptists and their money. Good for you. You were also extremely effective in the last elected position you held—New Yorkers don’t vote for Repubs lightly. But how did a Mormon Pisces raise so much more money than you?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Now that real nucular threats are popping up in the mideast, lets lead the world in exposing the danger and threaten to use military force to make them stop. No wait--we can’t, because nobody would believe us any more and because our army is stretched too thin for a threat to be credible, Cancer. And just look at that nucular program over in Iran. And the one in Syria. And Jordan, Yemen, Egypt and Turkey. Not to mention North Korea. Too bad, really too bad, we're not in a position to do anything at all about it.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Nappy-headed hos? Lordy, Leo. Polycarp’s getting on in years himself, and knows that old men sometimes embarrass themselves by trying to use current cultural references, but God almighty how could you say sich a thing? Polycarp predicts that nice people from a satellite network will be calling this week, and recommends you talk to them seriously. There you can resume your feud with the world’s fifth most obnoxious Capricorn who hasn’t murdered a pretty former actress who was working at the Hard Rock Café.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Well, maybe basing a big case on the unsubstantiated word of an irrational, unstable, bipolar alcoholic on anti-psychotic medication isn’t the way to go, Virgo. Who knew? Polycarp hears the North Carolina State Bar Ethics Committee messed up a case against some prosecutors for failure to disclose exculpatory evidence a couple of years ago and ever since they’ve been itching for a chance to get it right. Sucks to be you, Virgo, but thank God for prosecutorial immunity, huh?

Libra (September 23-October 22): You were right, Libra, to stick to your guns when Leo came to you seeking cheap atonement for his uninformed and unforgivable insult to a nice team of young women from New Jersey. Now Polycarp is confident you will take 50 Cent and Ludacris to task for using the exact same language. Right?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Now that all the loyal Bushies are busy putting their feet in their mouths, deleting e-mails, and trying to avoid prison, it appears you’re taking a new approach to your job: you’re talking to people in other countries. Good idea, Secretary Scorpio! The stars say that Syria can help you with the Israel/Palestine deal and that if something isn’t done in Pakistan fast you’re looking at a meltdown of regional significance. Wolfie and Rummy aren't just gone but wholly discredited, Cheney's been neutered, and Cancer’s distracted by his lawyer’s incompetence, so now’s your chance to get something done.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Polycarp predicts that no Saggitarian will appear in the news this week, either.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You’re doing a heckuva job, Capricorn. Keeping your girlfriend on the World Bank payroll even though she doesn’t show up any more? Sweet. Calling a meeting to explain to your own staff and they boo and hiss so much you have to cancel? Even sweeter. Being charged with corruption after years of calling poor countries corrupt? Like sacherine. You instructed her supervisors to give her automatic raises? This is almost as stupid as the Iraq plan. Oh, wait, that was yours, too, wasn’t it?

Please Accept My Apologies

The first I heard of the Duke lacrosse case was on March 24, 2006 when the local paper reported on its interview with a then-unnamed woman, who claimed that she had been raped at a party where she had been hired to dance. I was about eight miles away from Duke in a coffee shop and there was more conversation than usual as people talked about what they knew and had heard about the case. Everybody seemed to know some fact not reported in the paper or to have some deduction about what had happened. Everyone was horrified. Over the next few days the media provided more details and the case morphed form a local to a national story. Mike Nifong, the Durham County District Attorney, took personal charge of the case.

All along there were clues that it hadn’t really happened. When Nifong’s investigators requested DNA samples from the lacrosse team, they all lined up and provided samples. You generally don’t get that kind of cooperation from people with lawyers if there’s any possibility that there’s something to hide. It also wasn’t immediately apparent that the accuser’s story was changing. At the time it just seemed like we were getting more details as time passed, and even if the story changed a little, people who have been through trauma sometimes get their facts a little addled. It’s natural. Over the first week or so, her story came to include a claim to that she was assaulted with a broomstick, though, and that’s the sort of thing you’d expect to be mentioned early on.

I wasn’t working in early 2006 and spent most mornings at that same coffee house where I’d first read about the story, and for the next few weeks, the Duke Lacrosse case was the constant topic of conversation, just as it became the favorite case of the tv talk shows. There were demonstrations at North Carolina State and marches at Duke. There were public letters signed by Duke faculty members excoriating the lacrosse team. Public figures beseeched the team members to come clean about what had happened that night.

And nowhere, in any public forum from coast to coast, did anyone stop to consider the chance that no crime had been committed.

There are a couple of reasons for that, but note of them excuse the way we as a nation treated Reade Seligman, Dave Evans, and Colin Finnerty. We have a natural desire to help and natural inclination to pity the victims of assault. We have faith that our law enforcement officers won’t pursue groundless claims against the innocent. The lacrosse team’s social activities included instances of boorish and insulting behavior.

None of this excuses the fact that in the early days of this case all of us assumed Seligman, Evans, and Finnerty were guilty.

Mike Nifong got the D.A. job from Gov. Easley as an interim appointment. He needed someone to finish out a term of the previous D.A., whom Easley had appointed to the bench. Easley has said that Nifong promised at the time that he would never seek re-election and that he never would have appointed him otherwise. Nifong claimed he wasn’t interested in politics and didn’t think he could get elected. Then he changed his mind and decided to run, and as a political newcomer, he faced a very tough primary election. He was not connected with a party machine and had no experience campaigning or fundraising. His poll numbers were very low with Durham County's sizable African-American polulation. Several weeks before the lacrosse case broke he was trailing several other candidates in the polls. Calculating that by being vocal in his support for the accuser and becoming personally involved in the case he might increase his appeal to African-American voters, he forged ahead, never meeting with the accuser himself, never thoroughly examining the statements of the accused, concealing exculpatory DNA evidence, mishandling the case in myriad ways, refusing to look at clear and convincing alibi evidence for one of the defendants or even to meet with the defense lawyers, but he did manage to keep his face on tv until election day. His name recognition got him the win, and then the conflicting evidence started showing up. The case unraveled quickly.

One of the problems with our legal system is the way that big cases so often go awry. Put cameras in a courtroom and you enhance dramatically the chances for a bad result. O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake go free. Saddam Hussein is convicted, but after a trial that wouldn’t pass muster in any court of appeals in the United States. This shouldn’t be so, of course. Judges and lawyers shouldn’t be playing to the cameras. Those with more money to spend on lawyers shouldn’t routinely get better verdicts than those who don’t. There’s lots to learn here.

But most of all, right now, we should all apologize to Dave Evans, Colin Finnerty, and Reade Seligman. We owe you. We’re sorry. You deserved better. We will learn from this.

Polycarp's Weekly Horoscope

Click on the highlighted words to find hints and subtle clues as to the meaning of this weeks horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Continued insistence that there was a link between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeada has a very seasonal feel to it, Aquarius, because all of the people who buy it believe in the Easter bunny or have the initials GWB. Even if there was a relationship, and nobody but you thinks so, al-Queada hated Hussein and wanted to get rid of him, same as you. You think he kept the sharia, with his palaces and booze and Viagra?

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Well, Pisces, you finished up the money-grubbing season with the biggest war chest on your side of the aisle but the repubs just aren’t buying your foxhole conversion regarding on pretty much every issue of national importance. Note that in the polls you place way behind a certain Leo tv actor who hasn’t even said he’s running. Time to evolve into a real candidate.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Welcome back to the USA, Aries. Despite the way he acted, Polycarp thinks a certain Cancer chief executive was actually glad the supplemental spending bill had strings attached and that you went jetting off to the middle east. At least it gave him something to talk about other than the messes at Justice and Defense.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You got them back for Easter, all safe and sound, Taurus. Good work. Now hand the keys to your successor before anything bad happens. You had a great run while it lasted, but it’s time to go.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I dunno, Gemini. Polycarp’s not sure what continuing the race now shows about your priorities. Your wife is a class act, so maybe you do whatever she wants you to do, but presidential races make it hard to keep priorities straight in the best of circs. Since you raised “only” $14 million the best thing for you will be if Leo and Scorpio start spitting on each other. Keep up the high-minded appearance. Since you were a plaintiff’s med-mal lawyer, Polycarp suspects this is a façade, but it seems to be working.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): There was lots of petulance this week Cancer, but your “recess” appointments were pretty egregious. You withdrew your candidate for ambassador to Belgium because you knew he didn’t have the votes, then underhandedly snuck him back the very next week as a “recess” appointment. Congress specifically refused your deputy director of Social Security nominee in February, but then you gave him the job anyway as another “recess” appointment. This isn’t what recess appointments are for, it’s unconstitutional, and if you’d had a real lawyer as White House Counsel instead of a bunch of cronies, somebody might have told you so.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Leo, your Easter egg hunt gave you almost as much money as Scorpio and way more than handsome Gemini, and he’s done this before. Polycarp knows from experience that quitting smoking makes people foul-tempered and edgy, so maybe this period of sniping amongst hopefuls will end when you get off the Nicorette gum.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Being Aries’ tour guide last week made you look almost sensible, but in fact you’re doing everything you can to destabilize the middle east, Virgo. According to you, that Hamas is a legitimate resistance movement and Hezbollah is just another Lebanese political party. So why do their leaders have to live under your protection in Syria instead of their own homes?

Libra (September 23-October 22): Your inspector says the evidence the neocons cooked up about a pre-invasion link between Saddam and al-Qaeada was “not reliable,” Libra. Polycarp’s bureaucratic thesaurus has “Easter bunnylike” listed next to ‘not reliable.” Your Cancer predecessor never would have allowed this to happen, so Polycarp feels safer with you in the job.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You’re both the most popular and the most hated candidate in the race, but you have $26 million in your Easter basket, Scorpio. Maybe it’s time to talk about something else, though. Something like an issue.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You snorted your father’s ashes mixed with cocaine. Sagittarius, in a long life seemingly devoted to giving us good drug stories, this is a personal best.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Capricorn, when Polycarp was in high school he saw a poster-sized picture of another famous Capricorn captioned “Would you buy a used war from this man?” Oddly enough, you got your start in politics and diplomacy in that administration, and like your old boss, you sold a used war by using lots of untrue information. You also promised that invading Iraq would democratize the entire Middle East, echoing the Domino Theory. To paraphrase Animal House, “We screwed up. We trusted you.”

Stop Me If You've Heard This Before....

You will recall that one of the justifications for invading Iraq was that there were ties between Saddam Hussein (remember him?) and al-Qaeda. It always seemed unlikely that Hussein, who was far more worried that his own people would rebel than he was about any external threat, would have tolerated, much less encouraged, a group like al-Qaeda, which is skilled at eluding detection, disorganized, and not bound by traditional national loyalties. Indeed, it seems far more likely that Hussein would do as much as possible to squelch any pan-Arabic Islamic fundamentalist movement in Iraq--just a few years earlier the U.S. had been funding such a movement in Afghanistan, and it ultimately outfought a much better armed Soviet army. That kind of group gives nightmares to dictators. It's hardly surprising, then, that no real evidence was ever found linking Iraq and al-Qaeda before the invasion. That al-Qaeda is in Iraq now is undeniable, but they came to fight us, not Hussein.
What's interesting is how far the neoconservatives (remember them?) were willing to go to find a link that didn't exist. Documents released this week by the pentagon include e-mails from our old friend Paul Wolfowitz, then Deputy Defense Secretary, to Douglas Feith, then the number three man at the Pentagon. "We don't seem to be making much progress pulling together intelligence on links between Iraq and al-Qaeda," Wolfowitz wrote in January of 2002. The memo is included in a just-declassified report issued by the Pentagon's Inspector General, that, somewhat surprisingly, is available for public viewing (link here). Wolfowitz told Feith to find him a link, and he began what turned into a yearlong hunt for links between Iraq and al-Qaeda, and never found anything definitive. There was lots of talk about a meeting with Mohammed Atta (how about him?) in Prague, but no one could fund much else, and there was no convincing evidence or Iraqi interest or involvement.

Feith's investigation and release of his extremely attenuated conclusion that there was a link between Hussein and Iraq led to an investigation (requested by Senator Levin) by the Inspector General into whether Feith's search for the nonexistent links, and the alternative intelligence assessment that drawing such a conclusion implies, was a proper use of Feith's unit in the Pentagon. The Inspector General concludes that it wasn't proper, but that it wasn't illegal because they were authorized under the Pentagon's then-effective organizational chart, which has since changed. The following is on page 15-16 of the report, and is reiterated several other places: "The office of the Under Secretary of Defense for Policy developed, produced, and then disseminated alternative intelligence assessments on the Iraq and al-Qaeda relationship, which included some conclusions that were inconsistent with the consensus of the Intelligence Community, to senior decision-makers. While such actions were not illegal or unauthorized, the actions were, in our opinion, inappropriate given that the intelligence assessments were intelligence products and did not clearly show the variance with the withe the consensus of the Intelligence Community. This occurred because of the OUSD(P) expanded its role and mission from formulating Defense Policy to analyzing and disseminating alternative evidence. As a result, the OUSD(P) did not provide "most accurate analysis of intelligence to senior decision makers."

So--Wolfowitz told Leith what to find, who overstepped his role but did his best and cobbled together a misleading report that was at variance with what everybody else thought, then they took it to Rumsfeld, who shared it with Cheney and the President, who used it to justify the invasion.

I know it's easier to find something if you want it to be there, but the conclusion that there was a relationship between Iraq and al-Qaeda was lacked intelligence in every sense of the word.

Polycarp's Pretty Much Weekly Horoscope

In which the highlighted words provide subtle clues and hints as to this week's astrological message.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Congratulations, Aquarius. You managed to get the amended spending bill passed even though your party has only a bare majority and even though keeping Senators in line is like teaching morality to teen aged boys: it’s not that they don’t understand, it just doesn’t occur to them to comply. The troop withdrawal provision assures its veto, which my not be so bad, since the bill also contained $20 billion in tack-on pork. So much for the earmark promises.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): All you prominent Republicans bolting toward the right is causing a draft, Pisces. As governor you were pro-choice and pro-gay marriage, then you morphed into Jerry Falwell faster than Polycarp could say “activist judges.” It’s great that you’ve only been married once (despite the alternative opportunities your religious background affords) but the more important integrity for a politician is one of honesty with ideas and fidelity to principle. That fresh-and-clean feeling you used to have vanished the minute you pandered to the NRA.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Polycarp is delighted with the peace plan and the power-sharing proposal, Aries. You and a certain green Libra seem to have negotiated an end to centuries of squabbles, shootings, bombings, military occupation, angry parades, occasional hunger strikes, and much lachrymose drunken singing. But why couldn’t you have done this in 1975?

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Polycarp is glad you’re out there, Sir Taurus, showing that not all rock stars are self-obsessed wastrels with nothing better to do than whine about YouTube and Napster. You’re articulate and principled and honorable and really, really need to change your look, starting with those glasses.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): A mixed bag for you recently, Gemini. Endorsement by mega-rich magazine-owning former candidate: good; info about your police commissioner's ties to the mob and when you found out about it: bad. Messy family relationships and multiple marriages: sound bad but actually don’t seem to matter this year for non-Mormon Republican presidential hopefuls.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): If we were studying your administration in English class, Cancer, a white-haired high school teacher would be telling us that your tragic flaw is how you value loyalty over competence. From big things like invading non-belligerent countries to small things like nominating your silly Leo friend to the Supreme Court, if you’d spent more time listening to the smartest guy in the room instead of the most “on-message,” everything could have been different, and if you’d ever been a real C.E.O., you’d know that. All good managers do.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Well, Leo, you thought throwing your former star pupil to the wolves might save your job, but instead he testified and now the wolves are sniffing after you again. You say the others are all “confused,” but if so why do they all agree? Admit it: you were involved in tacky and partisan political meddling. Is it comforting to hear the big guy say your job is secure, Leo, and if so, do you remember Rumsfeld?

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Having you show up at Dodgertown has always been Polycarp’s favorite harbinger of spring, Virgo. A friend sent him a recent snapshot, and he’s guessing you’re no longer the spokesman for Slim-Fast. As for the recent allegations by a notorious Hollywood madam and tell-all author that you were a good customer, well, your denials might have been more convincing if you hadn’t hired a lawyer to issue them for you.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Your nuttiness would be highly amusing, Libra, if it weren’t so scary. Polycarp’s aware that your election above other more-popular candidates was a fluke and that you have very little support at home, so some grandstanding is to be expected, and nobody over there cares about international law, much less international opinion, but is there any way at all in which you can claim to be in charge? And if so, what, exactly, are you planning to do with those sailors?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Polycarp hears that you’re well ahead of the other Democratic hopefuls in the all-important fundraising race, and since California and pretty much everybody else is moving to earlier primaries, that puts you halfway home, Scorpio. Here’s the rub: you can win the primary, but you can’t win the general election. The religious right still makes money off of hating you and your presence on the ticket will motivate them in a way that none of the current Republicans could possibly do themselves.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): So did you actually complete rehab in record time or did the other drunks vote you off of detox island, Sagittarius? No more wardrobe malfunctions, please.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Polycarp thinks your popularity is proof of something highly unpleasant about America’s tastes, Capricorn, but since American Idol is one of the few things in the cosmos that’s arguably more annoying than your radio show, Polycarp isn’t sure whether he’s morally offended or highly amused at your sabotaging of Idol’s voting.

Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My--Wait, Maybe Everybody DOES Have Something to Hide

Yesterday I came across an exquisitely weird story in the Dallas Morning News about a man and his monkey. It turns out that the Plano, Texas police are a little picky about what kind of house pets a person can have, and keeping a rhesus macaque monkey, a rose-haired tarantula, a school of piranha fish, and two alligators under one roof has caused trouble for one former resident.

In early February, a police office investigating a hit and run accident knocked on the door of one Bobby Crawford, Jr. in Plano, Texas. Crawford invited the officer in where a monkey named Darwin was in plain view. The officer asked if there were any other unusual or exotic animals in the house, and Crawford said "no," perhaps hoping the nice officer wouldn't notice the 50 gallon piranha tank in the living room.

Upon further questioning, Crawford admitted the fish in the tanks were piranhas that he also owned several alligators and claimed he had no idea that having monkeys, alligators, and piranhas in his house was illegal. This ingenuous profession of ignorance of the law is, of course, hard to square with the fact that he denied owning them.

The alligator population in Crawford's house was something of a moving target: Crawford once owned three, named Godzilla, Blondie and Relentless but Relentless mysteriously disappeared last summer, apparently scaling the backyard fence to freedom, and four foot long Blondie was captured in a Plano creek last December, although details of how she got there were not provided. Whether or not the police, or indeed anyone at all, believed his story about alligators climbing fences is not mentioned. Crawford also had 100 finches and a large guppy tank (food for the pirhanas, one would suppose) and 100 finches, but there was nothing illegal about them.
All of the animals except the guppies and finches were confiscated by animal control authorities and taken to the Outdoor Learning Center in Plano, which is run by the local school district. Crawford was cited by various government agencies. Crawford, a Volvo mechanic, was distraught over the loss of his animals, particularly his beloved monkey, Darwin, whose name or likeness is tattooed on Crawford in three different places. He vowed to get his pets back, threatening to sell his house and quit his job to find a place more accepting of his pets. He left long weepy messages on at the Outdoor Learning Center. He made unannounced visits in which he begged to see his monkey.

So far we have an amusing "man and his pets" story. There was one in my local paper last week about a man who had 60, 77, or 80 (depending on which version of the story you read) sheep in his house in downtown Apex and liked to walk them around the neighborhood on leashes. Mr. Crawford's saga was not over though. He kept appearing in the papers.

Crawford missed his monkey and wanted it to be as happy as possible in his new quarters at the Outdoor Learning Center, so he sent Darwin a box containing some of his toys and an audiotape of Crawford telling Darwin how much he missed him and the steps he was taking to get the monkey back, steps that included moving out of Plano and into a friend's barn. As Mr. Crawford quoted himself, he said "I'm coming home, I'm coming to get you, Daddy's coming, he's coming to get you."

Longtime Outdoor Learning Center employee Jim Dunlap listened to the tape--we can only speculate why--and concluded that it suggested that Crawford and Darwin were more than just friends. Indeed, he feared their relationship was not platonic at all. The Plano Star Courier went so far as to refer to the audiotape as "sexually explicit." Dunlap reported his fears to the Plano police, who initiated an investigation. Contacted by the Star Courier and thinking he was speaking off the record, Dunlap said the tape described Darwin and Crawford engaging in "mutual stimulation." As his explanation for why he started this peculiar series of events, in which he suspected a man of having sexual contact with a monkey, Dunlap explained "I interpreted what I heard and saw in my own way, and I can't say what's correct. It's just me, what I think. I took it on the surface value about what he said. I just don't want to deal with it any more." Dunlap also told the Dallas paper that he suffers from heart problems and is now afraid he's going to get fired over this unpleasantness, or that someone might sue him.

After listening to the tape, the police commented dryly "Best we can tell, there's no evidence that a crime has been committed."

Darwin and the tarantula were returned to Crawford Friday, and he took them to their new home in Poetry, Texas, where the authorities are more open-minded.

I forwarded the story to several of my friends, with a comment that Mr. Dunlap had quite an imagination, and damned if one of my oldest friends didn't write back that she'd known Dunlap for years, and that if he thought there was something peculiar about that audiotape, then it was likely that there was something peculiar about the audiotape.

The Plano paper reported that the monkey is both dangerous and strong--four animal control officers tried for an hour to transfer him to an animal container before they gave up and tranquilized him. "He is very dangerous,” said Amy Early, one of the Plano Animal Services Officers who transported Darwin. “They will go straight for your face and tear into you. They have the strength of six men and inch-and-a-half incisors.” Dunlap also said that Crawford showed him scars Darwin gave him when he first started making unannounced visits after the monkey was confiscated.

So could a burly, tattooed Volvo mechanic be romantically interested in a monkey that can't be controlled by four seasoned animal control officers? Weirder things have happened. I guess.

Just another story in the newspaper.