Happy Father's Day

It's Father's Day, and I'm a father, so I've been thinking about what makes a good one. I think I've figured it out and it's very simple: the secret to being a father is having great kids. My children are the two most accomplished, intelligent, perceptive, beautiful, engaging and talented young women in the world, and I think the credit for that is theirs, not mine. It's theirs individually, because they are bright and interesting and talented individuals, but also as a pair, because I think they raised each other as much as their mother and I raised them. Despite all of my mistakes, all of the things I forgot, all of the times I got mad when I shouldn't have, all of the things I didn't do that I should have, all of the times I was strict when I should have been lenient or slack when I should have been alert, there they are: the best pair of sisters in the world. So, like I said, the key to being a good father appears to me to be to arrange for your wife to have great children.

After that, all have to do is love them.

I do have some advice for young parents, but honestly I don't have any idea whether it matters a whit. I think mine might have done just fine no matter what I did. But here's the successful part of what I did.

The first thing is to start teaching manners early. As son as they can comprehend, teach them good table manners, not to interrupt, not to use the telephone late at night, to be nice to others, don't cut in line, do unto others, etc. If you're the father of girls, treat them the way you think young women should be treated from an early age, especially in public. If you're the father of boys, insist that they treat their mother and any other women and girls in their lives respectfully.

The second thing is to encourage them to have healthy interests. Don't try to select their interests for them, because it won't work. But for me, I would leave work early to get kids to soccer practice or play rehearsal or choir. It was a little harder if they wanted a ride to go hang out at the mall. This pays off in a lot of ways, by the way. When they get to be good at something it gives them a pride you can't teach, and the time spent doing healthy things won't be spent at the piercing parlor.

The next thing is to be honest. Pretty much always. You don't always have to be direct, though. There's a series of questions beginning with Santa Claus and ending with premarital sex that require honest, but not always direct, answers. But don't lie to them.

The fourth thing is to teach them what you know. You'll be surprised how far it goes--how it resonates as they grow. My dad taught me about machinery and how to use tools--he's an engineer and he knows this kind of thing in a very deep way. He showed me how things worked and then let me take them apart, and if I ran into trouble, he'd show me how it all fit back together. He was very patient and was never cross wit me for taking things apart or borrowing his tools. To this day, machinery--from clocks to diesel engines--makes sense to me. Broken things don't scare me.

In my family we've also always really liked food, for generations in all directions. So when my kids came along and expressed an interest we all started cooking together from a very early age. It wasn't just helpful, although it was--as a single dad the extra hands (when they didn't need to be studying) were a huge help, but kitchen and food form a family bond between my children and me that stretches back through my mother to my father's mother and to stories I've heard of her parents and siblings i never knew. Simple as it is, food and the kitchen root my daughters and me to a big family and a lot of tradition. All because they wanted to learn to cook. Plus, they're now both really good cooks.

Don't let your squabbles with your wife or ex wife spill over onto your kids. Ever. Under any circumstance. At any point in their lives. If you're divorced, work out your problems with the ex out of their hearing. If you're married, don't get mad at each other in front of the kids. If you hate your ex, don't ever, ever, under any circumstances complain about her or criticize her to her kids. No matter what she did to you, even if she ran off with your brother and left you with the mortgage, kids need to think well of their mom.

I also didn't hit my kids. I slapped my oldest on the wrist one time when she was doing something that might have hurt her sister, but I wish I hadn't done it. That was the only time I administered any corporal punishment at any point in my life. I think it's a bad idea. It causes pain you can't imagine, that will last a long time, and makes it hard for them to trust you. You really don't want your children to be afraid of you all the time.

Help them study, and give them a curfew, and all that, too.

But really, the main thing is to have good kids.

Happy Father's Day, and thanks to my wonderful daughters, visiting together in Pasadena.

Legal System Relieved to Return to Normalcy

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The American legal system breathed a sigh of relief as word was released that things can now return to normal. "This has been a big few weeks for us," the legal system said. "Dismissing chargges against the Duke boys showed that we police rogue prosecuters. Hell, [Duke lacrosse prosecutor Mike] Nifong is on trial right now to save his law license. That was a nice touch, if I do say so myself." The legal system went on to explain that the recent sentencing of Lewis "Scooter" Libby to thirty months, as well as a Los Angeles Superior Court judge's insistence that Paris Hilton return to jail to complete her sentence "proved that the rich and powerful aren't exempt from the rules. This wipes that O.J and Robert Blake taste right out of people's mouths," said the legal system. "Judges are tough, and everybody can see that now." The judicial system complimented Justice Anton Scalia for coming up with the idea.

Public confidence having been restored, the judicial system said that things could now return to normal. "We don't really have the budget to keep this kind of thing up for long," said the legal system. "We arranged these results by adopting special emergency guidelines for the administration of superior and district courts. We've diverted a lor of resources from other places, and we just can't do that long term." Expected consequences of returning to normal legal procedures include a resumption of unfair privileges for the rich, disproportionate prosecution of the poor, judges falling asleep during trials, and excessive verdicts in civil cases. "But hey--you can't say we didn't make our point," said the legal system.

William Jefferson could not be reached for comment.