MLB Owners Agree to Shoot Barry Bonds

Bowing to increasing pressure, the Major League Baseball owners Executive Committee voted unanamously today to shoot Barry Bonds. "After lengthy debate and much soul searching, we have decided that Barry Bonds will be suspended for the rest of his career," announced Commissioner Allan H. "Bud" Selig, "and that to ensure his compliance, the Owners have arranged for his demise." Asked for his reasons, Selig answered that the steroid-like drugs Bonds had used for years are still untraceable and that Bonds may well still be using them. "The FBI shut off the tap from Balco, but that stuff is still untraceable. No lab can find it in blood or urine even today. We figure he's buying it from Mexico and he's still juiced. Plus, he's an asshole."

San Francisco Giants owner Pete Magowen and Bonds' seven fans protested immediately. "I built that park just for Bonds," said Magowan. "The fences are short where he's short and long where he can really jack it out," he said, pointing to center left. "Principle and tradition are all fine and good, but this is money we're talking about." Asked if he planned to take legal action to prevent the owners from shooting Bonds, Magowan said he doubted he would. "I don't want to get carried away here," he said.

Asked for comment, Giants coach Bruce Bouchy shrugged and said "Well, you know." Asked if he was sorry he would not get to see Bonds break Hank Aaron's home run record, Bouchy answered "Well, not so much. I, um, knew Hank, you know? And I know Barry, you know?"

Barry Bonds' wife declined comment through a spokeswoman. "Liz is just trying to get on with her life and has nothing to say at present," said K.C. Pittman of the Marin County Women's Shelter, which refused to release Mrs. Bonds' current address.

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Allberto Gonzalez Fails Driver's License Test

Alberto Gonzalez, who has come under fire over the last few months for his increasingly difficult to believe lapses in memory and astonishing lapses of judgment, failed his driver’s license exam for the third time last Thursday, the White House announced today. Revealing for the first time that the Attorney General has taken the District of Columbia Driver’s Examination at least three times, although administration officials admitted they’re not sure how many times he has taken it overall, or when he first attempted it. Gonzalez himself says he cannot remember, and calendar references that might clear the matter up were inadvertently deleted, according to the Department of Justice. The White House obviously viewed this as a vindication of their explanation for the recent scandals at Gonzalez' department. “When we told you he forgot who gave him instructions on the U.S Attorney firing list, you said he couldn’t be that stupid,” said deputy White House spokesman Dana Perino. “When he put that woman from Oral Roberts’ law school in charge of hiring all the career prosecutors and let her take everybody who voted for Kerry off the list, you said ‘nobody could be that big of an idiot.' Well, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, I think you all owe us an apology.”

D. Kyle Sampson, one of the Deputy Attorneys General to have lost his job over the ongoing scandals, said that he had briefed Gonzalez extensively in the days leading up to at least one of the driver’s license exams, to no avail. “I prepared lots of position papers for him on how close you can park to a fireplug and the speed limit in unposted areas of the District—the whole gamut of topical traffic issues—but it just didn’t seem to gel for him,” said Sampson, adding that on at least two occasions he had been required to clear the Attorney General’s schedule to spend a day doing practice exams with top advisers. “He’s a busy man,” said one top aide, requesting anonymity when discussing Gonzalez’ imbecility. “But I think the real problem is that he is genuinely, honestly convinced, in his heart of hearts, that with Bush and God on his side, the law just doesn’t matter very much, so he has a hard time taking this seriously.”

A few people have asked if they can subscribe to this blog, and I really appreciate the interest. Unfortunately, the only solution I've found thus far involves installing software on your computer that allows you to get a feed from the blogs you're interested in, and I don't want to recommend anything like that until I can test it. If you're interested in hearing from us, though, drop me a line at Polycarpblog@gmail.com, and I'll be more than happy to send you a note with a link each time there's a new post.

Monica Goodling Confesses to Shakur Murder

Monica Goodling, former White House liaison for Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, shocked the House Judiciary Committee with a tearful confession that she had been the mystery woman who shot and killed famed rapper Tupak Shakur in 1996. Goodling, who had been granted immunity in exchange for her agreement to waive her fifth amendment privilege and testify about the U.S. Attorney firings, was not previously known to be involved with the shadowy world of hip hop music. In testimony broken frequently by tears, Goodling testified that Shakur had only himself to blame for the Las Vegas shooting: "It was just wrong of Tupac to record those cuts for Death Row. Puffy had bankrolled him and turned him from nothing to a megastar, and then Suge Knight gives him a couple of grand for legal fees, and it's like us back on the east coast just don't matter no more," she said, sobbing loudly. "Something had to be done."

Ms. Goodling's testimony was another chapter in the bitter feud between east coast and west coast rappers, a feud that has led to several other murders, including Biggie Smalls in 1997. Law enforcement had long considered the Smalls and Shakur murders to be related, a charge Ms. Goodling denied. "Oh, that's just silly," she said, in response to a question from Rep. Adam Schiff (D. Cal.), the Judiciary Committee's most knowledgable member regarding west coast rap. "We hit Tupac for being a traitor, and Death Row knew it. He was our guy, so Suge was pissed, but knew he couldn't do nothin'. Biggie was Suge all the way--just cleaning house for too much dissing and too much debt."

Because of the immunity deal, Ms. Goodling cannot be charged with any crimes to which she testifies in these hearings.

Asked for comment, D. Kyle Sampson, who resigned as a result of the U.S. Attorney firings, said "Now that you mention it, she did always seem a little dangerous, kind of street, if you know what I mean. Like, she was the only Deputy AG who came to work every day in a Knicks jersey. You don't get that much from Oral Roberts U grads."

Goodling returns tomorrow to continue her testimony regarding the U.S. Attorney firings, when she is expected to testify that Karl Rove personally hand-picked all of the U.S Attorneys who were to be fired. "He called them all and told them they needed to ease up on republicans and start prosecuting democrats for voter fraud, during election cycles, if possible," Ms. Goodling said. "Anyone who squawked was outta there." Mr. Rove could not be reached for comment.

Jerry Falwell Smitten By Wrathful God

A wrathful God has smitten Jerry Falwell in response to remarks Falwell made six years ago about gays and feminists, God announced yesterday. "We tried to give him some signs," God said, "and the Choir [of Angels] even tried to coach him with some heart disease, but in the end, managing this issue was just taking up too much of our time, and we had no choice but to outsource his immortal soul."

In response to questions from reporters, the Amighty said that He had brought down His wrathful judgment on Falwell for a variety of reassons, including remarks Falwell made on Pat Robertson's "700 Club" show on September 13, 2001, two days after the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. "For us to take this kind of robust action, of course there had to be a heavenly host of reasons, but I think prominent in everyone's thinking was the 700 Club issue," said the Lord, referring to a wide-ranging and inane conversation between Falwell and Robertson in which Falwell blamed the September 11 attacks on gays, lesbians, feminists, abortionists, and the ACLU. "That's just so stupid," God commented. "I just can't seem to get the concept of universal love across to some people."

When asked to explain the long delay between Falwell's remarks and the imposition of God's wrathful judgment, God remarked "Look. I'm a busy guy, and this isn't just about Me and My judgment, despite what people think. We're required to follow the manual on a thing like this. There's a lot of paperwork, a lot of procedures, and it has to go through several different committees before it even gets to Me. Besides, you've all heard about the mills of God grinding slowly, and that a thousand years is but as a day unto Me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well that's all true. This hath been really fast work for us, and I'm proud of the entire team, especially the Choir of Angels Management Committee."

When asked about future plans, the Holy Ghost refused to comment, although Choir members, speaking anonymously when discussing official angelic matters, said that several subcommittees had been recently appointed to develop appropriate proactive paradigms for Eric Rudolph and Paul Wolfowitz. "We don't yet have a target date for those, but Rudolph obviously presents an opportunity to refocus on wrathful judgment, and with Wolfowitz we're looking at a scalable and strategic series of result-driven plagues, but there are a lot of players in that kind of plan, and we want to make sure we have buy-in from all the stakeholders," said one saint, off the record.

Polycarp's Resumed Horoscope

The unifying theme of the last two weeks seems to be “incompetence on parade.” Some people can’t remember what they said or where they were just a few months ago. Some people (a lot of people, actually) can’t interpret raw intelligence. Some people just can’t handle firearms. As always, click on the highlighted words to get clues and hints.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Well, Aquarius, Capricorn is out telling anyone who will listen, especially if he or she is willing to pay thirty bucks, that the Iraq war is your fault, because you and Scooter’s professor had convinced Mr. Cancer to invade regardless of what the intelligence said, so that all along you were looking for an excuse, not a compelling reason to invade an non-belligerant that was doing us no harm and wasn’t dangerous in the least to anyone except its own citizens. “Scooter and Wolfie made me do it” i s really lame, of course, but Polycarp is still curious. Why were you guys so keen to invade? It still doesn't make sense.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): According to the Rasmussen Report, 43% of Americans say they would never vote for a Mormon under any circumstances, which is weird, Pisces. Polycarp finds this attitude appalling and unreasonable for both moral and personal reasons. He doesn’t think anyone should be discriminated against on the basis of his or her religion, and besides, all the Mormons Polycarp knows are smart, decent, and fun. On the other hand, by Polycarp’s math, you’ll need to get 80% of the remainder to get elected. Can you do that?

Aries (March 21-April 19): Abortion is a tough topic, and the “partial birth” procedure is pretty grim, but the case provided a lesson in the effect a single judge can have, Aries. Had O’Connor still been on the bench, Polycarp says she would have voted the other way, and it was a 5-4 decision.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Polycarp knows you’re not really a Taurus, but as jury selection resumes in your murder case, he’s put you here because your story of how you came to shoot that poor woman reminds him very much of a product he associates with the west end of an eastbound Taurus. You’ve always been a self-centered loon, of course, and there are lots of those at your next address, so maybe you’ll fit right in.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Good to have you back on the job, Gemini. You’re one of several stories in the news the last month or so in which public figures are meeting difficult illness with courage and class. Polycarp has rarely agreed with you, but he certainly admires you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancer, last week you said, with a straight face, that you thought Leo did a good job in front of congress, despite the fact that he couldn’t remember most of his own name. Polycarp can’t always tell the difference between a good liar and a lawyer with Alzheimer’s, but he doesn’t hire either one. Then you said that a Capricorn banker had your full support, right after he was caught feathering his girlfriend’s nest at World Bank expense. Polycarp can see why you want to keep him on the payroll, though. As soon as he goes, he’s going to write a book just like Capricorn.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your hearing before congress may have been the highest comedy of the last several weeks, Leo. How in the world you ever passed the Texas bar exam is beyond Polycarp. You couldn’t remember whether you attended meetings from three months ago in which you did most of the talking, so how did you ever remember the rule against perpetuities?

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Wordplay involving Beach Boys songs and bombing middle east countries doesn't have the panache it once did, does it, Virgo? You're right, too much was made of your comments, but you've been in the national eye for a long time now and should know the rules. You're not Reagan, but then, Polycarp thinks that's a good thing.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Libra, Polycarp has just realized that you and all the other African-American preachers who were also snowball’s chance in hell presidential candidates with huge penchants for the camera are all Libras. This kind of astrological profiling must stop! Polycarp plans to complain to the NCGR immediately.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You looked pretty smooth on the debate, Scorpio, although there was a lot of tap-dancing in your discussions of health care reform and your position on Iraq. Sagittarius’ people used to refer to this kind of dance routine as “nuance” and it sells about as well as bread mold, but it’s not going to matter because while you can win the nomination you just can’t win in November.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Polycarp hears you’ve been hinting about another presidential bid, Sagittarius. What’s it like when the five or six of you who are senators bump into each other in the Senate cloakroom? Is it awkward? Do you pass on money-raising tips, or talk about the best bars in Iowa? The field’s already crowded and the money’s all been soaked up, bud. You started thinking about this too late.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Polycarp heard part of your comedy routine this week, Capricorn, and thinks it’s really going to sell on your book tour. Saying history will judge you kindly was just a riot. Maybe if your agency had foiled, or predicted, or even not been terribly surprised by, or even had been able to figure out in retrospect, the Cole bombing, the bombings of the East African embassies, or even maybe the 9/11 atacks, then you might not have been judged too harshly. Oh, wait, you were also involved in arming the Taliban and failing to secure the Afghan countryside. And you let bin Laden slip away. “Kindly” may be a reach, Capricorn. The book isn’t going to help much, since all it says is “Scooter and Cheney made me do it.” We knew that. You were supposed to be the one that spoke up with something like “yellowcake uranium? You know, my guys over at Langley tell me those documents were forged by some Italians,” etc. Instead, tough guy, you got pushed around by a guy named Scooter.