Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The running dog lackeys are demonstrating once again their infinite ability to talk themselves into believing that you are ever going to develop any kind of sense at all. This latest trick of agreeing to discuss your enriched uranium program while denying it exists is your most profoundly silly one yet, but it’s working like a charm. There is really no need, no need at all, for you to worry that any meaningful sanctions will be imposed. A certain Scorpio and fellow Axis of Evil leader is watching on admiringly, and, hey—you might get a few more boatloads of rice out of the deal.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): People are harder and harder to please. They’ve already stopped talking about the iPod phone and you haven’t even figured out how to make it obsolete yet. Your earnings are heavily dependant on iTunes, so much so that everybody else is starting to crowd your market share, and rumor has it the movie industry is creating a digital library that they will control, so you’re not going to get another bite at that sweet media apple. Rats. But you’ll think of something. You always do.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You had the Oscar wrapped up and sent home until Norbit came out, now it’s anybody’s race. Couldn’t they have held up the release until next week? What were you thinking?
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Next time somebody tells you not to get in bed with a Texan on either a war or a land deal, believe it. When Texans look at the world, all they see is other Texans, and they carry that with them wherever they go. After 9-11 you looked like a calm and articulate spokesman taking his rightful place at the center of the world’s stage. The longer you hang on the more your party resents your leadership and you the more encourage future historians to think of you as America’s cute little lapdog.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): After watching the White House wallow in evangelism for eight years and get itself tangled in a holy war in the process people are going to be reluctant to give Jerry Falwell the keys to the car again so a moderate like you is your party’s best shot for hanging on to the White House. Don’t imitate a certain Virgo former P.O.W. and start moving to the right to pick up the Baptists and home-schoolers—it looks like pandering and they won’t believe you anyway.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancer, lately I’ve been thinking that that the most likely explanation for your failure to perceive what’s going on around you is that for some reason you’re utterly convinced that God is on your side. Some day sit down and think about what it means—aside from stupendous levels of egotism, I mean—to think that God has given you your victories. Wouldn’t that also mean He’s giving you your defeats? And if so, given what’s going on in the world, wouldn’t that that strongly suggest that He doesn’t like you very much any more? That would be terrible, and I don’t mean to suggest it. Isn’t a more logical explanation that God doesn’t pick earthly winners, and doesn’t take sides in earthly contests?
Leo (July 23-August 22): Well, I have to say that not having your boss show up to testify in your favor didn’t help you much, but that’s how Aquarians are. On the other hand, crying during closing was a nice touch, and the charges against you are pure Taurus crap and everybody knows it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Picking on rich boys from Duke isn’t like the defendants you’re used to prosecuting—they can hit back. Nobody believes for a heartbeat that you voluntarily gave the case over to the attorney general, but the best thing that could happen for you is for him to dismiss all charges, then you can go around to all the black churches and indignantly say you never would have done that. It might be enough to get you another term. Don’t worry about those ethics charges the state bar has brought against you. They don’t have the nerve to suspend or disbar you, and they’ll all think twice about pissing off a sitting D.A.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Your recent job change isn’t agreeing with you, is it? Now you have to fight this war with a certain Scorpio four-star who was hand-picked by your boss because he agreed with the party line, and you knew the party line was stupid even before you took the job. The peace and quiet of A&M is looking better and better in the rear view mirror. Oh, well. At least everyone knows you didn’t make this mess.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): This was supposed to be your turn. Now, just because a wet-behind-the-ears first term Leo from your home state looks good on camera, you’re in a horse race. The problem for the your party, though, Scorpio, is that the Leo from Illinois can win the election and you can’t. We know you’re qualified, and smart, and a great senator. You have great ideas. But you’re the only candidate in the race that will motivate people to come out to vote against you. The right-wing might not have a vast conspiracy (or they might, who knows?) but they have a long memory, and they’ve always hated you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Whoever said that all publicity is good publicity obviously never met you. Really, babe. If you wanted to keep on drinking you shouldn’t have shaved your head. Oscar parties at detox clinics generally aren’t much fun, but you’ve got a good chance to meet your next ex-husband there.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): If you hadn’t turned down the lead in Ray, you might have gotten that Oscar instead of the Sagittarius who accepted both the role and the Oscar, and then the buzz would have all been about you and there would have been no way they’d have made Dreamgirls without you. Oh, well.
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