Moronic crime does not pay

Marcus Shrenker was a man with a plan. As the authorities investigating him for securities and insurance fraud closed in, his businesses failed, he lost a lawsuit, his wife filed for divorce, and a judge froze all his assets, he, like many others before him, decided to fake his own death. An accomplished pilot, he flew to Childersburg, Alabama (35 miles southwest of Birmingham) and rented a storage locker where he stashed a motorcycle and a change of clothes. His plan was to file a flight plan with the FAA specifying Destin, Florida as his destination, take off from an airfield near his home in Indiana, radio a distress call about mechanical failure while in flight, parachute out near Childersburg, then hike to the storage locker and ride the motorcycle off into the sunset, a free, and presumed dead, man.

Mickey Roarke has a line in "Body Heat" that's something like: "There are a hundred ways to screw up a crime. If you're a genius, you can think of 99 of them. You're no genius." Neither, it appears, was Marcus Shrenker.

After filing his flight plan in Indiana per plan, he flew south towards Destin. As he passed over Birmingham he made a "mayday" call to the nearest air traffic controller, saying that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely. He then put the plane on autopilot, strapped on a parachute, put on some aviator's goggles, and bailed out over some swamps near Childersburg. The air traffic controllers, concerned that Shrenker was not responding to their radio calls, contacted some nearby military aircraft and asked them to take a look at Shrenker's plane. They got a good look at it and everyone found it passing strange that the door was open and nobody was in the pilot's seat. The jets followed the Piper PA-46 (a single-engine plane that costs a little over a million bucks new) until it crashed dangerously near some residences in Milton, Florida. Are we surprised that a man who would try a stunt like this would risk the lives of innocent strangers by abandoning a pilotless plane to crash where it will? No, not really.

A few minutes later, the Childersburg police found a man matching Shrenker's description and carrying Shrenker's Indiana driver's license in a convenience store near Childersburg. Shrenker explained the fact that he was dripping wet by saying he'd had a canoe accident and asked for a ride. The police noted that he was carrying a funny-looking backpack and what appeared to be aviator's goggles. Not aware that anything was amiss, the policemen helpfully took Shrenker to a nearby motel. The next day, when news of the curious plane crash became public, the police recognized the name and picture immediately and returned to the motel, but no one was surprised to learn that Shrenker had checked out and paid cash. Hotel surveillance cameras show him registering under a fake name carrying what appears to be a parachute pack, then, in the middle of the night, donning a black wool watch cap and running into nearby woods in the direction of the storage locker facility.

The local police located the storage locker and had it opened, and, although the motorcycle was gone, Shrenker's still-damp clothing was still there.

Local news footage of the crashed airplane shows a surprisingly intact windshield.

Mr. Shrenker, if you're out there, I have some recommendations for future improvements on your plan:

1. Don't gild your lily. There was no need for the distress call. If your plane had just crashed, it would have been just as good a story. The Air Force and Navy both have fighters in the air at all times, and because of their high speed and need to train at dangerous maneuvers, are in constant contact with Air Traffic Control, and they are always willing to look at civilian aircraft in distress.
   
2. Avoid the police, you idiot.
3. Get a fake i.d. before embarking on this kind of stupidity.
   
4. Avoid hotels with security cameras.
5. Ditch the parachute.
   
6. Ditch the goggles.
7. Don't let the storage locker rental guy know what you're storing, or when you're going to pick it up, and wait for a few weeks so he won't remember what you look like.

Marcus, you knucklehead, if your prior criminal endeavors were so sloppy that the Securities Exchange Commission and the Indiana Insurance Commissioner are both out to seize all your assets, you're just not smooth enough to pull this kind of thing off. And you lost your plane, too.

On the other hand, a lawyer from Chapel Hill named John McCormick (you have no idea how many times I've had to explain that I'm not related) embezzled several hundred thousand bucks from family and friends and then faked his own death, fooling no one, and he managed to remain on the lam for a little over a year before getting arrested in Phoenix, penniless. He will be resting in state facilities until he is a very old man, though, so if you were to ask him today, he would probably advise against this sort of thing.

So Marcus, we'll follow your future career with considerable interest. And if it hasn't occurred to you, now you need to ditch the motorcycle, too.