Polycarp's Weekly Horoscope (Special Edition)

This week, we feature a special Scooter’s All-Stars version of Polycarp’s Weekly Horoscope. For those of you who haven’t been following the story, the highlighted words are linked to subtle clues as to what Polycarp means.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Polycarp is blaming you for all of this, Aquarius, and not just because he doesn’t like you, although he doesn’t, but because you let your top guy take a bullet you should have taken for yourself, then when he needed your help, you went back to your undisclosed location. Do you understand that he will lose his law license over this, too? Helping you put has left him at prison's door and destitute. Shame on you. And for what? Because you wanted to cast aspersions on a Scorpio you should have listened to in the first place. Revenge, your sole motive in the original plan, is beneath great men, so you took yourself off of the list.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You’re the Pisces whose reporting of a certain photogenic Aries CIA agent’s identity led to this whole mess, so you’re the man who knew the source of the leak and since you never went to jail (unlike some people) for failing to disclose who it was, we deduce you identified your source at your earliest opportunity. That means you’re uniquely positioned to point out that a certain Capricorn special prosecutor knew from jump street that the leak did not constitute a crime, yet barged ahead investigating anyway. Reporting on that would be news, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Well, Polycarp never has been sure if you actually were a covert operative for the CIA, Pisces. You’re awfully photogenic for a job in which being nondescript would be an enormous asset. People claimed early on that outing you had endangered the lives of others, but no one’s beating that drum anymore. Were you, or weren’t you? And if not, why was this investigation necessary?

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Chin up, Taurus. Polycarp is a lawyer, too, and has lost a big case or two in his day. Not as big as this, of course. When Polycarp loses one, he spends a few days thinking over the mistakes he made and the things he could have done differently. He's wondering if you are pondering the wisdom of mentioning a star witness who then chickens out and never shows or crying during closing. Both were odd moves for a tough-guy New York litigator.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Polycarp knows you had noting to do with this mess, Gemini but you’re a Republican with a solid shot at the White House and a former U.S. Attorney with a reputation as a crusading crime-fighter. If you win, can't we work on the way these prosecutions work? Stop this business where they create their own criminal, then pat themselves on the back for convicting him. If they’re going to create crimes and prosecute them both, we have a prosecutorial perpetual motion machine. Also—we need to ban this practice of pressuring suspects into giving waivers of confidentiality deals if they talked to bona fide reporters. That’s dirty pool. Prosecutors are supposed to be better than crooks, and here they clearly weren’t.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Well, big guy, you like exercising your executive powers, and it looks like you’ll have an opportunity to use a new before too long. It’s de rigeur to wait until the last few days of your presidency before giving up unpopular pardons, but I just wonder how long you’ll be able to wait. Something came out in the trial that your favorite Capricorn politico would rather not discuss, and all this revenge-seeking, ratting out, leaving trusted aides twisting in the wind, dishonest mud-slinging doesn’t square well with your professed Christian values. Tend thy sheep, Cancer.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Ouch, Leo. Polycarp feels your pain. Four out of five counts. Not only are you out of politics, as a convicted felon you can’t practice law, or even vote in most states. Your soon-to-be new home doesn’t allow conjugal visits, either. On the up-side, the website looks good, Fred Thompson is hosting fundraisers, and we know you know how to get a pardon, Leo. After all, you’re the one who talked a certain Leo ex-president into pardoning Marc Rich.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Polycarp has no idea what your real sign is, Mrs. Leo, but has decided you must be a Virgo because he thinks highly of Virgos and has lots of sympathy and respect for you. You were a high-powered Washington lawyer yourself when you married, and hubby became one of the leading neocon lights of this administration—in fact he’s the one who brought all this foolish neocon foreign policy nonsense from his favorite college professor to the administration. Be brave, though. If the pardon comes through, Leo will get rich on the rubber chicken circuit, and if not, well, you have an impressive resume yourself.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Polycarp knows you’re really a Taurus, but wants to complain about you and would rather do it here than talk about any real Libra. You were the source of this leak. You were the source of the information about the photogenic CIA employee. Apparently, the overzealous Capricorn prosecutor never even considered going after you. Do you feel ashamed, now? If there was any crime, you committed it. Why no criminal investigation of you?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Well, it’s all over now, Scorpio. Polycarp believed you all the way about the yellowcake in Niger, and think they should have listened to you all along and He’s not sure it would have kept them out of Iraq, because they were sooooo determined to go, but he's still not sure why they didn’t listen. You were, after all, one of their guys, and rumor has it the memo was on the desk of a certain Scorpio senior advisor and then-NSA chief at the time of the U.N. speech by an Aries former general. On the other hand, your barely disguised glee at Leo’s conviction is unseemly and unambassadorial, so Polycarp is not sure he likes you very much.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): As soon as the administration’s stenographer learned the identity of a certain photogenic Pisces he called to confirm with you, Sagittarius, a shadowy lawyer/lobbyist, and you in turn picked up the phone and called the big guy’s favorite politico. The administration’s shameless shill even sent you a copy of the article two days before publication, and you immediately faxed it to said discredited politico, one of many Capricorns involved in this story. Although it did not come out until the trial, and few other than Polycarp seem to have noticed it, this was the direct link to the White House that the overreaching Capricorn prosecutor had been sniffing for all along. It was there, and he missed it. Polycarp is therefore filing you under "missing link."

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Prosecutors like you remind Polycarp of what he doesn’t like about special prosecutors, Capricorn. You were appointed to prosecute one particular crime. You never did that (admittedly it would have been hard, since the original leak wasn’t a crime) and instead ran around prosecuting something else entirely. You remind us of a certain Cancer former special prosecutor who started out with an Arkansas land deal and ended up investigating oral sex. The biggest surprise is that you guys seem proud of yourselves. There are enough bad guys out there already, Capricorn. You don't have to create your own.