As usual, the highlighted words provide subtle clues and interpretive aids.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Polycarp is glad the blood clot wasn’t anything serious,
Aquarius, but you’ve been a long series of
close shaves, bad plans,
undisclosed locations,
medical problems, and
bad deductions all along.
History will note that that the neoconservative policies you and Scooter brought forth upon this world were abysmal failures that made the world a worse place. Sadly, your legacy will be a series of lessons in what not to do.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Thanks for confessing, Pisces. We can’t seem to find the Pisces we really want to capture, so your confession makes us feel good about our search efforts. Let’s see—as Polycarp understands it, you planned the September 11 attacks, the U.S.S. Cole attack, the first World Trade Center bombing, that loopy shoe bomber, the McKinley assassination, the Great Depression, and Vanderbilt's tragic last second loss to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament. Polycarp understands you’re an al Quaeda bigwig and all, but he wants some verification.
Aries (March 21-April 19): After the verdict you finally came out and told your side of the story, Aries, charming and photogenic as ever. Even after you testified, though, it seems that not even you know whether you were a covert operative or not. If you don’t know, how can political hit men with cute nicknames be expected to know?
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Oh, to hell with Taurus.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Over the last two weeks, Gemini, you’ve hinted broadly that you might want to run for president, admitted that you were having an extramarital affair while you were leading the charge to impeach our most entertaining Leo ex-president, called a closely-related Scorpio a “nasty woman” and “endlessly ruthless,” then called for a halt to all the name-calling in public debate. We hope you run, Gemini. It’s always more fun to talk about sex scandals than issues, and with you, we’ll have them.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Has it occurred to you yet that always going it alone isn’t working out for you, Cancer? You have no friends in Congress and no friends in foreign capitols. It was high-handed for your guys to refuse to testify before Congress before, but it’s impossible to prevent now. And did you figure out that flying around South America just gave a certain socialist Leo a platform from which to make fun of you and the local populace an excuse to express how much they hate you on international t.v.?
Leo (July 23-August 22): Polycarp is soooo glad an Aries Third Circuit judge got the Supreme Court job and not you, Leo. Everybody knew you were utterly unqualified for the job, but Polycarp had no idea you were such a conniving political schemer. If the judges hadn’t been convicting enough democrats, would you have sought their resignations, too? Being in love with your boss is no substitute for common sense or ethics.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Polycarp is confused, Virgo. There’s no need for Japan to apologize to thousands of women who were forced into prostitution at gunpoint in World War II to provide “comfort” for Japanese soldiers, but it's imperative that Korea issue a formal national apology for kidnapping seventeen Japanese thirty years ago? You win this week’s Funniest Prime Minister award.
Libra (September 23-October 22): One of the odd things about politics and horoscopes is that so few Libras strut on the national stage. Which brings us to you. Can’t you help Polycarp out and do something funny? Your call for bipartisanship is only funny to those of us who remember all those years in which you acted like the democrats didn’t exist. Can you please compliment Strom Thurmond or get defensive about your hair or something?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Scorpio, Polycarp knows you don’t have much to do with the current problems of our current reigning Cancer—in fact he’s been impressed with the way you’ve quietly taken charged and dispensed with all the neocon big army nonsense. But can’t you just walk into the next cabinet meeting and slap somebody?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): How much of your appeal is based on your reactionary politics and how much on your really good legs, Sagittarius? The guys who love your screeds all like leggy blondes, so Polycarp has never been sure how much to weight each of these essential elements. Nevertheless, calling John Edwards (who not only is not gay but is devoted to his wife of twenty some-odd years, which even people who dn't like him find appealing) “gay”, as though “gay” were an insult, managed to alienate pretty much everybody except for the guys who tune in solely to drool at you. Good luck with that demographic.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Polycarp isn’t sure that being known as Bush’s brain was ever much of a compliment, but lately it doesn’t seem like you have one, Capricorn. Firing U.S. Attorneys because they won’t prosecute people you don’t like? Firing loyal Republicans to make room for your political hack cronies? This is all extremely ham-handed for someone who prides himself on his deft touch.
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