Jerry Falwell Smitten By Wrathful God

A wrathful God has smitten Jerry Falwell in response to remarks Falwell made six years ago about gays and feminists, God announced yesterday. "We tried to give him some signs," God said, "and the Choir [of Angels] even tried to coach him with some heart disease, but in the end, managing this issue was just taking up too much of our time, and we had no choice but to outsource his immortal soul."

In response to questions from reporters, the Amighty said that He had brought down His wrathful judgment on Falwell for a variety of reassons, including remarks Falwell made on Pat Robertson's "700 Club" show on September 13, 2001, two days after the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. "For us to take this kind of robust action, of course there had to be a heavenly host of reasons, but I think prominent in everyone's thinking was the 700 Club issue," said the Lord, referring to a wide-ranging and inane conversation between Falwell and Robertson in which Falwell blamed the September 11 attacks on gays, lesbians, feminists, abortionists, and the ACLU. "That's just so stupid," God commented. "I just can't seem to get the concept of universal love across to some people."

When asked to explain the long delay between Falwell's remarks and the imposition of God's wrathful judgment, God remarked "Look. I'm a busy guy, and this isn't just about Me and My judgment, despite what people think. We're required to follow the manual on a thing like this. There's a lot of paperwork, a lot of procedures, and it has to go through several different committees before it even gets to Me. Besides, you've all heard about the mills of God grinding slowly, and that a thousand years is but as a day unto Me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well that's all true. This hath been really fast work for us, and I'm proud of the entire team, especially the Choir of Angels Management Committee."

When asked about future plans, the Holy Ghost refused to comment, although Choir members, speaking anonymously when discussing official angelic matters, said that several subcommittees had been recently appointed to develop appropriate proactive paradigms for Eric Rudolph and Paul Wolfowitz. "We don't yet have a target date for those, but Rudolph obviously presents an opportunity to refocus on wrathful judgment, and with Wolfowitz we're looking at a scalable and strategic series of result-driven plagues, but there are a lot of players in that kind of plan, and we want to make sure we have buy-in from all the stakeholders," said one saint, off the record.