MLB Owners Agree to Shoot Barry Bonds

Bowing to increasing pressure, the Major League Baseball owners Executive Committee voted unanamously today to shoot Barry Bonds. "After lengthy debate and much soul searching, we have decided that Barry Bonds will be suspended for the rest of his career," announced Commissioner Allan H. "Bud" Selig, "and that to ensure his compliance, the Owners have arranged for his demise." Asked for his reasons, Selig answered that the steroid-like drugs Bonds had used for years are still untraceable and that Bonds may well still be using them. "The FBI shut off the tap from Balco, but that stuff is still untraceable. No lab can find it in blood or urine even today. We figure he's buying it from Mexico and he's still juiced. Plus, he's an asshole."

San Francisco Giants owner Pete Magowen and Bonds' seven fans protested immediately. "I built that park just for Bonds," said Magowan. "The fences are short where he's short and long where he can really jack it out," he said, pointing to center left. "Principle and tradition are all fine and good, but this is money we're talking about." Asked if he planned to take legal action to prevent the owners from shooting Bonds, Magowan said he doubted he would. "I don't want to get carried away here," he said.

Asked for comment, Giants coach Bruce Bouchy shrugged and said "Well, you know." Asked if he was sorry he would not get to see Bonds break Hank Aaron's home run record, Bouchy answered "Well, not so much. I, um, knew Hank, you know? And I know Barry, you know?"

Barry Bonds' wife declined comment through a spokeswoman. "Liz is just trying to get on with her life and has nothing to say at present," said K.C. Pittman of the Marin County Women's Shelter, which refused to release Mrs. Bonds' current address.

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