Allberto Gonzalez Fails Driver's License Test

Alberto Gonzalez, who has come under fire over the last few months for his increasingly difficult to believe lapses in memory and astonishing lapses of judgment, failed his driver’s license exam for the third time last Thursday, the White House announced today. Revealing for the first time that the Attorney General has taken the District of Columbia Driver’s Examination at least three times, although administration officials admitted they’re not sure how many times he has taken it overall, or when he first attempted it. Gonzalez himself says he cannot remember, and calendar references that might clear the matter up were inadvertently deleted, according to the Department of Justice. The White House obviously viewed this as a vindication of their explanation for the recent scandals at Gonzalez' department. “When we told you he forgot who gave him instructions on the U.S Attorney firing list, you said he couldn’t be that stupid,” said deputy White House spokesman Dana Perino. “When he put that woman from Oral Roberts’ law school in charge of hiring all the career prosecutors and let her take everybody who voted for Kerry off the list, you said ‘nobody could be that big of an idiot.' Well, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, I think you all owe us an apology.”

D. Kyle Sampson, one of the Deputy Attorneys General to have lost his job over the ongoing scandals, said that he had briefed Gonzalez extensively in the days leading up to at least one of the driver’s license exams, to no avail. “I prepared lots of position papers for him on how close you can park to a fireplug and the speed limit in unposted areas of the District—the whole gamut of topical traffic issues—but it just didn’t seem to gel for him,” said Sampson, adding that on at least two occasions he had been required to clear the Attorney General’s schedule to spend a day doing practice exams with top advisers. “He’s a busy man,” said one top aide, requesting anonymity when discussing Gonzalez’ imbecility. “But I think the real problem is that he is genuinely, honestly convinced, in his heart of hearts, that with Bush and God on his side, the law just doesn’t matter very much, so he has a hard time taking this seriously.”

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